it finally happened...

i played like shit. it was embarrassing. i was totally humbled. totally and completely humbled.

well, if i look at this way, it's a good thing. you learn from your losses and thank your opponent for showing you your weaknesses. i know what i have to work on.

i don't ever want to feel like that again. i was about to be the only one from SJ dojo not to advance or be selected. that was not a good feeling. for those who have experienced those circumstances where YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE that didn't make it and were able to overcome the disappointment somehow....wow....i applaud you.

i didn't know how to handle my emotions on sunday after i was eliminated. second round, at that. i didn't cry. i was just kinda....stoic. i couldn't look at my parents because i saw my mother's face during my match when i lost because i was facing her direction. i couldn't bring myself to apologize to them for letting them down. i couldn't put my pride aside and go out of my way to congratulate the rest of the girls who did advance. don't get me wrong, i wasn't a poor sport. if they came up to me or if i was near them, i made sure to put on my best face and congratulate them. i just didn't go out of my way to do that.

i have learned that i am very immature and am NOT a gracious loser. i don't like that about myself. i have too much pride....i can never seem to put forth the effort and humble myself and verbalize things in the situations when it counts most.

"congratulations"

"good luck"

"i'm sorry i couldn't take you guys to brazil, mom, dad."

i was forced to stay the whole afternoon after the women finished to watch the men's team elimination. my mom said we could leave, then insisted that i not run away and hide. i changed into my regular clothes when others did not. if there's one thing that hasn't changed about me, it's my "i could give a fuck what i'm SUPPOSED to do" attitude. i wanted to leave, but i had to endure the shame. that was one of the toughest afternoons for me emotionally.

i had a good time catching up with my former teammates....but, at times my true emotions would slip out to those closest to me and those i trust. my mom. my former teammate.

i'll say it again....i was disappointed, but more embarrassed and ashamed of my performance. i let myself be conquered by me.

by some miracle, i was one of 6 selected by the coach to advance. doesn't guarantee me a spot. no one is guaranteed a spot. we have to duke it out from here.

in 2000, i was one of the younger ones on the team. 2003, the middle. 2006, the middle. i'm the oldest of the 14 girls. holy shit....

i have to fly to LA in two weeks for a 2 day practice. the second day will be all sparring. how can i turn my mental state around after such a disappointing weekend? how do i do that? how do i get over the fear of failure, and just do it?

this is a great life lesson. how do i overcome this? i have so much pressure on me to prove that i deserved to be pick. can i do it?

it would have been SO MUCH easier if i had never tried out in the first place.

too late for that now.

kill me, please.