more to say...
last night was a very hard practice. very reminiscent of my team USA practices (well, it was lead by the team USA men's coach who's from northern california), except that instead of a 4 hour practice of conditioning, it was just an hour. because it was so short, we had to do more and work harder.
after we were super tired and my legs could barely carry me across the floor, my arms feeling like they were lifting up a 10 lb shinai instead of 440grams, we had to do some practice matches (shiai matches). in that physical state and on that particular night, i could not dig deep to score anything. granted, none of us girls were even able to score one.
still, i have to be able to dig real deep to be able to score. to win. next weekend, it's all about points scored...or taken. points points points. how can i invoke that winning drive, that mental edge from within when i can't even seem to put that much focus into committing to a career path?
god, i'm so mentally drained. i've been fortunate enough never to experience the disappointment of not making the team. actually, only once when i was 20. i was playing for the last spot on the team and was CLEARLY ROBBED. but, as luck would have it, one of the ladies tore her achilles which allowed me to be on the team.
no expectations. have fun with it. relax. do the best you can do. if i don't make it, all the more reason to focus on what's MORE important....my livelihood.
if i don't make it, then who am i? part of my identity has always been associated with training, being one of the elite. if i'm not training, if i'm not doing kendo, if i'm not a world class athlete, then who the fuck am i?
i guess i'm just cashew's sad excuse for a mommy.
aaaaaaaaaaanyway...it's not that big of a deal, shan. whatever happens happens.
i'll be okay with it either way.
i have to be.
after we were super tired and my legs could barely carry me across the floor, my arms feeling like they were lifting up a 10 lb shinai instead of 440grams, we had to do some practice matches (shiai matches). in that physical state and on that particular night, i could not dig deep to score anything. granted, none of us girls were even able to score one.
still, i have to be able to dig real deep to be able to score. to win. next weekend, it's all about points scored...or taken. points points points. how can i invoke that winning drive, that mental edge from within when i can't even seem to put that much focus into committing to a career path?
god, i'm so mentally drained. i've been fortunate enough never to experience the disappointment of not making the team. actually, only once when i was 20. i was playing for the last spot on the team and was CLEARLY ROBBED. but, as luck would have it, one of the ladies tore her achilles which allowed me to be on the team.
no expectations. have fun with it. relax. do the best you can do. if i don't make it, all the more reason to focus on what's MORE important....my livelihood.
if i don't make it, then who am i? part of my identity has always been associated with training, being one of the elite. if i'm not training, if i'm not doing kendo, if i'm not a world class athlete, then who the fuck am i?
i guess i'm just cashew's sad excuse for a mommy.
aaaaaaaaaaanyway...it's not that big of a deal, shan. whatever happens happens.
i'll be okay with it either way.
i have to be.
posted by shan at 4:14 PM
1 Comments:
Hey girl,
Good luck next weekend! Will you be around in March to hang out? Sometime in the 2nd week?
GAMBAROU!!!
J x
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